What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 02:29
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was scared of men, in general
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ive learnt so much.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She found it foreign!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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I said to her
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Comes on , in middle age.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It was going to be , some day.
We were not on the streets..
She wouldn,t have been !
So, i spoilt her more .
My life is so biszare .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i lived it daily.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I will be 64.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was in good health!
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But, we were locked up after school.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was seconnd youngest,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im still living with it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I think the readers, may guess!
We all went to grammer schools
My family never makes their pension either.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I write beautiful poetry .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I don,t even have a pension.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
When she asked me how she looked .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
This is soul school!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I have no regrets .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He knew the spot.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She married twice! .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it wasn’t much.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
All the time i was locked up.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So whats the point in blame.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Would this be the day?
I waited trembling.
Put me off passion for life!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I couldn’t, believe it.